HELP! I’M A PANE GLASS WINDOW!

By Travis Marsala
… And I’m not happy about it either. I’ve had two swallows, a pigeon, and a canadian goose commit suicide against me this week. Poor birds. They have so much to live for. It’s a serious epidemic. Those are just the ones who DIED. I can’t even count the attempted bird suicides.
Just the other day, a full size albatross, you know that bird from the Rescuers Down Under movie? Well, one of those monstrosities of a bird flew through the window next to me! That’s right, through it! Shattered glass everywhere. Broke his neck - and NO! There weren’t two cute little mice riding on his back. I wish there were. I love that movie SO. MUCH.
That window, her name used to be Layla… Oh Layla… Sometimes I’d call her miss Bianca and pretend my name was Bernard. But she didn’t know that. She was so sweet. I suppose if I wanted to lose someone I love, it would be by an albatross crashing through her very being in a bloody mess of feathers and entrails.
Anyways, you’re not going to believe this, but I used to be a full grown man, I got turned into a pane glass window, and now I need help… before the next giant bird totally destroys a Walt Disney Animation Classic.
Oh… Oh… there go my kids. MARK! JESSICA! MAAAAAAAAAAARK! They can’t hear me! Why can’t they hear me?! Oh Jessica - you look so beautiful in your Rescuers Down Under themed velcro shoes… do they even know I’m gone? Why can’t they - whoa….
Did you see that?
Please tell me that wasn’t just me.
Oh God… please. You saw that shadow, too, right?
OH NO! IT’S AN ALBATROSS! 
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Help. I’m a Shattered Pane Glass Window…